Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
