I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
