I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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