About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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