This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
