I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize