Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
