dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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