I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
