my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
