can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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