You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
