my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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