i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
