So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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