I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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