omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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