Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
