just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
