new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
