drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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