Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
