It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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