the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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