You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
