i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
