Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
