either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
