Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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