I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
