I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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