I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
