Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just googled if crying burns calories
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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