I wish my penis had an off switch
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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