Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Randomize
