She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
