She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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