Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
