My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
