You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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