I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
