I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
