she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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