im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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