What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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