i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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