i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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