college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
