I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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