He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
