answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize