Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize