if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
