Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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