i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
