Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize