God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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