id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
