Duck Duck Cougar?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
