toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
