it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This is my gift to your gina
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
