In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize