oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
