The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize