If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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