just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
