I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
