I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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