So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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