You made me cry and you don't even care
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
