guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I met the friendliest cop last night
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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