don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
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