i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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