I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
