u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We have started to decorate penises.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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