If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
