Define "chronic" masturbator.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize