I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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