remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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